


At Lo Levad

by CapturedTheSavioursHeart



Series: OQ drabbles [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 18:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6622072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapturedTheSavioursHeart/pseuds/CapturedTheSavioursHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing Year Fic</p><p>Regina discusses her past with Robin in the hope that it will allow her to work out what her heart wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Lo Levad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flyingbluebirds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingbluebirds/gifts).



> This is a birthday fic for Ayla (flyingbluebirds) on Tumblr who I have been teasing for the past couple of weeks- The drabbles will appear in the next couple of days. 
> 
> Mentions of Marital Rape/Non Con/Abuse. It's Hopefully marked by * but I have but in capitals where it starts and ends- I know it's not as condusive to read but I don't want to trigger anyone. 
> 
> Have fun reading!!

It had been a few months since their impromptu dance and well things were gradually improving for the outlaw and the Queen. Yes he still smelt like forest. Yes he still had a tendency to just be there. Yet these attributes which once annoyed her, now were more appealing, it was nice not to be alone, not to be feared.  
She was still abrasive, she still had moments where she hid behind her mask, it slipped more often now though. Her features softened, the walls just that little bit lower.  
Regina was still discovering herself again. She found herself wanting to change. Just because she was in the Enchanted Forest didn’t mean that she had to live up to her Evil Queen reputation. She wanted to find Regina again. She was beginning to understand that the physicalities only meant so much, it was what was in your heart that mattered. She still struggled with the loss of Henry. She knew he wasn’t dead, that his life was the best it could possibly me. He had been such a big part of who she was, he allowed her to be Regina. The despair and anger at not being able to see him gradually subsided into some kind of reluctant acceptance. She hoped one day that she would see him again, but she wanted, needed him to be proud of her, even if he didn’t know her. She needed to find her happiness. She damn well deserved it.

Snow had seen the change in Regina, sometimes her step mother and friend? ally? forgot how long they’d known each other, forgot that Snow had seen her happy once, a long time ago. Snow had been worried at first that Regina would never be open to the possibility of love again, not after losing everyone she’d cared about. The thief seemed to have stolen at least part of Regina’s heart. Snow only hoped that Regina wouldn’t overthink the whole situation. Love is easy in the most complicated of ways.

Roland loved Gina. She was like the mama he had never had, she was pretty and kind. She could do real magic tricks and she made him a knight. Gina also made his papa happy. Roland had never seen his papa see so happy  
.  
The Queen was in love. If he hadn’t been so in love with the bloody saviour he would have laughed and mocked her majesty. As it stood Killian wanted Regina to find happiness, it would give him some hope that villains could get happy ending.

Robin couldn’t deny the truth anymore. He was in love with Regina, he wanted to make her queen of everything. He would give her time though. They knew that whatever happened, no matter how many lands they would pass each other by with nothing more than yearning looks, that somehow in some realm they would be together. 

Regina knew that the thief, as much as she loathed to admit it, meant something to her. She didn’t know whether he was part of her happiness, whether complete happiness was even possible for her. She needed to talk to him about why it was so difficult for her to open up her heart. She made her way to the edge of the forest where he loved to play with Roland.  
Robin saw Regina approaching, he couldn’t help but be slightly nervous. Maybe they had found a way to defeat the wicked witch, or something else that he didn’t want to think. He sent Roland with little John, wanting to have whatever discussion in private.

She felt sick, she had never told anyone this much detail about all her life. “Robin”  
“Regina”  
“We, I need to talk to you, I haven’t told anyone this, not all of it anyway, but I need to tell you, all of it, because that’s the only way I can work out what I want, what my heart wants. “

“Regina I will gladly listen to any of your story you wish to tell. I want to know what influenced this vivacious, bold, loving, stunning woman. I want to know all of you”

“I don’t, don’t know where to start” she was stuttering already.

“I have often found the beginning as good a place as any”

She let out a small laugh at that “Well for many a child is a precious gift, for my mother i was a pawn, write from the beginning. I was her ticket to royalty, I was born so she could have a life the miller's daughter never got. She didn’t love me, not as Regina, she loved me for what I could offer. My daddy though, he loved me, he tried to protect me from my mother, he gave me everything he could. I never did understand why such a sweet man was with that witch, then i realised only someone with a heart as open as my fathers could love a woman like my mother.  
Daniel had been the stable boy for as long as I can remember, I didn’t fall in love with him until I was 14, when we went riding for the first time together. Riding gave me freedom it let me see a whole new world. I was 18 when I met snow for the first time, her horse was out of control, so I helped her, saved her life actually. Well when you see the future there is irony everywhere. I didn’t know she was the king's daughter, my mother did though, and that the king was searching for a wife. “ Robin looked appalled how could a mother treat a daughter like that. Regina saw his disgust, Robin do not question my mother or what she does- she would put me on display like an evil panda if she thought it would bring her power. She had to revert to sarcasm- the next part was the hardest, she wasn’t entirely sure if she was going to get through it. “Oh the worst thing is that it didn’t even surprise me. I was going to run away with Daniel I asked him to marry me. I was in love and I couldn’t marry the king, not like my mother had agreed to. I could live with not being happy but I couldn’t be in a loveless marriage. Snow saw us, I tried to explain, she seemed to understand but she told my mother. My mother does not take well to people going against her wishes, or marrying below your status. She crushed his heart, right in front of me. She wanted to prove to me that love was weakness.

I was forced to parade for various people doing various fittings, I was to be married to Leopold and be his new Queen. There was nothing I could do, my mother had too much power. Leopold was nice to begin with me, he seemed to treat with me dignity and respect. 

SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO MISS THE MENTIONS

*Until we were married, after that I was his possession, his pretty ornament. He took what he wanted. He was rough and callous, He tore off my dresses, forced himself inside him taking what he wanted. He threatened that if I said anything I wouldn’t see tomorrow. So I lay there and took it. There was nothing else I could do, no one would believe me and my mother would kill me.*  
READ ON FROM HERE. 

I was a mother to Snow, as much as I could be. I didn’t hate her, just resented her, she did and never has fully understood the concept of consequences of one's actions. I killed Leopold, I don’t regret it, not really. Do I regret that Snow grew up without a father, yes, but he abused me, he made me feel worthless. He made me feel like I was a belonging not a person. I do not think now that there was a set moment, when I became the Evil Queen, it was a gradual build up stemming from my mother's neglect and Leopold’s abuse.

I was not a good person, I wanted revenge, I wanted Snow White’s head on a platter. and her heart crushed. I burnt villages where she was known to have hidden, I separated children from their parents. I crushed countless hearts all because I wanted to avenge a ten year olds mistake. I would give up at nothing to get what I wanted. I crushed my father's heart so I could enact a curse to rid everyone of their happy endings. That was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done. I will never forgive myself for that. He always taught me to love more than i hated.  
That’s how Storybrooke was created, I thought I’d be happy there. I wasn’t though, there was something missing. That’s why I got Henry, I needed something to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I wasn’t a good mother at first. I couldn’t cope with the crying, with the fact that this living person relied at me. I went to take him back.” Robin arched his eyebrow at this but to his credit didn’t say anything “I couldn’t do it though, I couldn’t give up my little prince. I loved him. I love him. Henry may have not always liked me, he had every reason to, but I always wanted what was best for him.

That’s why I hated Emma at first, I couldn’t compete with the Saviour, but she was good and I was well me. I couldn’t go on without Henry. When she came to me screaming that he had eaten the turnover meant for her I wanted to rip my own heart out. I hated that I killed him. When Emma woke him with true loves kiss. I didn’t care about her breaking the curse, I just cared that he was alive. Things changed after that, slowly, no one really trusted me, understandably but it was less than hatred. Neverland, the realm we were before here forced us to work together. Henry had been kidnapped. He is the thing that unites us, he believes in everything and everyone. It was thinking about him that made me come to talk to you. I owe it to him, I owe it to you, I owe it to me to try and be happy.”

She took a deep breath and turned away, she could feel the tears roll down her face.

Robin was speechless, not because he was horrified but because he couldn’t believe what this woman had been through. “Regina, thank you for tellling me that, I know it must have been hard. It does not diminish my admiration for you, no it increases it. I knew who you were, i was on one of your wanted posters. You are not the Evil Queen anymore, I don’t think you ever were. You were scared of being vulnerable of being hurt so you played tricks and you hurt people, just like you were hurt. That doesn’t make you evil. I will not condone killing people or burning villages but you’ve done it. You wouldn’t do it again. You recognise it was wrong, that shows you’ve changed.  
I didn’t live after Marian, I was on auto pilot. I questioned whether to be happy was such a terrible fate. I relied on my merry men. I was angry at everyone for taking my wife away. I would have done anything to bring her back. I had Roland though, I couldn’t risk him growing up an orphan so I let my hatred go, gradually. I let my hate be replaced by love, piece by piece. I think that story shows what an incredible woman you are. The fact that you can still love after that time shows you are good, many people who have suffered a fraction of what you have would not be able to do that.”

Regina stared unbelieving at his words. It was too fast, this wasn’t what she planned, not at all she was supposed to talk to him. To work things out. Oh fuck it she was just going to say it, she couldn’t be any more broken “"I have something I need to say. For a while I forgot how to be a normal person. I lied and I tricked people, to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of letting anyone close to me is terrifying for obvious reasons. but the truth is I love you and I think I want to marry you. “  
Oh god did she just say that. Did she just say that. Did Regina just ask him to marry him? He had to be dreaming. “Yes, Yes, I will marry you if that is what you asked me, if not then lets just write off that as terribly embarrassing. I won’t hurt you Regina, I will love you in every possible way and discover more. “  
“I know you will Robin,and I know it’s fast but i want to be free, i want to love, to be loved, i want to be free from my past and I want it to be with you. “

**Author's Note:**

> See it all worked out in the end!!
> 
> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated, as well as telling all your friends :)


End file.
